Finding Bliss (Bliss #1) Read online

  “Is she okay?” I heard Chelsea say.

  Shame slithered under my skin and took root in my stomach. The enormity of what happened crushed me. My past and present were colliding, and eventually, they’d know. Everyone would know what happened, what I let happen.

  “Dad, can you take it from here? I’ve gotta get her out of here.”

  “Sure. Do you want me to drive you?”

  A sob tore from my throat as I listened to everyone around me. Years and years of pent up shame and anger forced its way out of me as I fragmented, falling farther and farther apart.

  “Fuck,” Grey muttered, seeing this. “I’ve gotta go. Just…just don’t let anyone in that room.”

  “What room?” Adam questioned.

  Grey ignored Adam and rushed to his Tahoe. Once he placed me in the back seat, I curled into a ball and blocked out everything. I felt myself slipping away. To where, I wasn’t sure, but I felt nothing there. Nothing could touch me, harm me. Everything ceased to exist. I didn’t feel the vehicle move as Grey drove, nor did I feel him lifting me again and carrying me inside his house.

  ♥♥♥

  I wasn’t sure how much time passed, but I finally started to calm down. It felt like mere moments but hours at the same time. The first thing I noticed was the soft pillow under my cheek, next was the comforter. A body was behind me, curled around me, but I instinctively knew it was Grey, therefore I wasn’t afraid.

  I was still trembling, the bone-chilling discovery still tormenting me. Jonathan had always been there, waiting in the shadows. At least he was dead, I told myself. That fact didn’t provide as much comfort as it did earlier in the day.

  I laid there, soaking up the reassuring protectiveness that Grey’s arms provided me. He didn’t speak, but I knew that he was aware of my lucidity. He ran a hand down my arm over and over again to soothe me. He’d brushed soft kisses against my hair as he hummed a comforting tune under his breath.

  After a while, he asked, “Are you with me?”

  “No,” I croaked.

  He sighed and kissed my neck.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  “For what?”

  “That you saw that, saw me like that. I’ve…well… I haven’t had an episode like that in a long time. They’re horrible.”

  He grunted. “That’s putting it mildly, Clara. That was some seriously twisted shit…and I do not mean you. What was in that room…”

  “Don’t,” I warned him, my voice cutting.

  “You gotta give me somethin’ here, Clara. I have no idea what to think.”

  “You’ll never look at me the same, Grey,” I explained, knowing with everything in me that this was true. It was a fact.

  “That’s highly unlikely, Clara.”

  I sighed and turned in his arms. Unveiled and honest, his eyes said everything he was feeling. There was torment there, but there was sadness, as well. His worry for me was what shined through the most, though.

  “When we were talking the other night…do you remember discussing relationships? Why we were single?” He nodded. “This is why. This right here. It scares the hell out of me.”

  “You don’t want anyone to know you.”

  “Yeah… There are some things too ugly, Grey.”

  “It must be lonely.”

  My eyes fluttered closed. “Not when it’s what you’re used to.”

  “Will you tell me?”

  My breath hitched, my first instinct to run, but I ignored it. “I don’t want to, Grey.”

  “Let it out, darlin’. You can’t carry this alone. Give me some of it.”

  “It will break me once you know. I know what you’ll do…you’ll think… I can’t…” I ducked my head, averting my eyes. Even though he deserved an explanation, I hoped that I could convince him to leave this alone.

  “Your past doesn’t define who you are, Clara. It might have shaped you into the person you’ve become, but I’ve come to care and respect the one right in front of me.” He tipped my face up again, conveying his sincerity. “Nothin’ you tell me will change that. It might help me understand your make-up, to get down to the nitty-gritty of what makes you tick. That’s what I was talkin’ about in the closet before this happened, darlin’. I want this. I want to know you. I want you to trust me, to let me in…because I care.

  “I wish you could see the you I see from my eyes. She’s strong, resilient. She’s selfless, pure, and so damn beautiful. With every little bit of yourself that you reveal to me, darlin’, I’m more and more captivated.” As he spoke, tears trickled from my eyes. “There’s something inside of you that calls to me. I want to protect it, claim it as mine…cherish it. I can be a greedy man, Clara, and that means I won’t settle for anythin’ less than all of you. But in return, I’ll be a safe place for you. You’ll fear nothin’ ever again. Not with me.”

  I rested my chin on his shoulder as his words washed over me, filling me. No one has ever cared for me like this. Never. It was touching, warming, but so damn scary. I’d have to bare my soul to him.

  “Can you do that for me, Clara? Will you let me have this? I promise you, I’ll take care of it. I’ll treat it like a treasure, because I know how valuable it is, how valuable you are. You’re worth it, Clara. I’d take on the world for you.”

  “Okay.” The word fell from my lips before my brain could process what was happening.

  “Okay,” he whispered.

  Panic crept in, but I pushed it back. “Can I have a moment first? Please?”

  “Sure, darlin’.” He rolled away from me, and I immediately felt the loss as he stood. “Go wash your face and meet me in the living room.” He held out his hand for me and helped me climb out of bed. He placed a swift, soft kiss on my lips and walked to the door. He turned back when I didn’t move. “Go on. I’ll be here when you get out.”

  ♥♥♥

  I spent a bit longer in the bathroom than I should have, but I needed it to get my head together. I had to force myself to remain calm. I was determined to tell Grey as emotionless and as cleanly as possible. Would this happen? Probably not. Was I going to try? Obviously.

  I found Grey sitting on the couch with a bottle of whiskey and two glasses in front of him. I was thankful for his foresight. Something strong would help me remain calm…ish.

  “Come here,” he whispered and held his arms out for me.

  With slow and steady steps, I ambled to him. Once I was in reach, he snaked me around my middle and pressed his cheek against my stomach, his breathing shuddering. That move showed me that he was struggling, that this was difficult for him, too…because he did care. It gave me the courage to continue.

  I leaned down and pressed my lips to his hair, giving him comfort. I didn’t want to hurt him, and I had a feeling he’d feel this deeply. And not just for me either. Jonathan was his friend, his confidant, someone he thought he knew with every fiber of his being…and Grey knew he’d hurt me.

  “Come, lay down,” Grey whispered.

  Once I was resting on the couch, Grey brought my feet onto his lap and covered us with a blanket – he could feel the slight tremors still going through me. Ice clinked in the glasses as he handed me mine.

  “Drink,” he ordered, his tone soft. “Drink as much as you need until you feel a bit calmer.”

  I nodded and took a long pull from the glass, the cold liquid like fire in my mouth. It was a welcomed burn, though, and I immediately felt my muscles loosen.

  “Thank you,” I murmured, finishing the entire glass. I held it out to him to refill. Once he was done, I took a sip, needing to pace myself.

  “You okay?”

  “No,” I admitted. “Not at all.”

  His thumb played circles along my shin, and his eyes studied me expectantly. “Wanna tell me what happened back there?”

  “Not really.” He was about to speak, so I stopped him with a wave of my hand. “But I don’t think I have a choice now. What you saw….”

  “Was really mess
ed up, Clara,” he finished for me. “I…” His jaw clenched as anger flashed in his eyes. Slamming them shut, he inhaled deeply. When he looked at me again, he had reigned in his emotions. “The fact that Stacy’s almost your twin was enough to guess what happened between Jon and you. With your reaction to her picture and everything afterward, I was pretty sure I guessed right, too. What I saw in that hidden room…that was wrong. He was stalkin’ you, Clara…infatuated with you. What brother does that?”

  My voice came out so small, I almost sounded like a child. “This is not a pretty story, Grey.”

  “I already know that. I’m not an idiot, darlin’. He sexually abused you, didn’t he?”

  My eyelids fell at his question. I didn’t want him to know the truth. The truth was so much uglier than just that. “When I give you all the details, you’ll think I’m dirty. Hell, I think I’m dirty. I’d rather not have you-”

  “Shhh,” he whispered and covered my lips with one of his fingers. He drew them from side to side, following it with his eyes. Slowly, he leaned in and pressed his mouth to mine. He lingered for a moment, then brushed his lips against mine ever so gently, softly. Finally, he pulled away, but all I saw in him was comfort and acceptance with a mix of lust. “Don’t say things like that. I could never see you as dirty. When I look at you, I see radiance, gentleness, warmth…a body I want to worship and taste.” He winked at me to soften his words. “But nothing dirty, darlin’.”

  My eyes welled with tears, but I blinked them away.

  After a few minutes of quiet, I began, “I’d always had a close relationship with Jonathan. He was my best friend, my hero.” I shook my head at my naivety. “I followed him everywhere. His friends would complain, not wanting me around, but Jonathan never did. I wasn’t a nuisance or unwanted by him. He took his time with me, playing with me, showing me attention.” The words tasted bitter on my tongue.

  “It started before my parents died. I had no idea that what was happening was wrong. I thought it was normal. Jonathan…” I sighed, remembering. “He was so charming, so charismatic, I would’ve followed him to the ends of the earth. I believed in him that much. I trusted him, his words…”

  Grey’s voice interrupted my thought. “You don’t have to give me the details, Clara.”

  “I do, Grey. For you to truly understand, you need to know all of it.”

  “Okay, darlin’. I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

  I nodded, sniffling a bit. It had been a long time since I’d allow my thoughts to go here, to recall all of the events.

  “My family wasn’t overly religious or anything. We went to church on Sunday now and then…maybe. Jonathan was intrigued by it, though. He was always studying the Bible, combing through the scriptures, picking them apart. He had a deep respect and love for God.”

  “That’s the first thing you’ve told me about him that sounds like the same man I knew,” Grey commented, his words low.

  I let out a short, harsh bark of laughter. “You have no idea.” I took another sip from my glass, needing the reinforcement. “It all started there, with the Bible.”

  Grey’s brows lowered, clearly confused. “How so?”

  “I think I was nine or ten when he started sneaking into my room at night. At first, there was nothing wrong with it. He would read the Bible to me, showing me different scriptures, explaining their meaning to me. I had no idea at the time what he was telling me was complete bullshit. He turned everything around to prove the points that he wanted them to prove. All of it was a lie. It was his way to get me to act willingly. His way of showing me the light, as he liked to put it.”

  Grey’s quick inhale told me that he was catching on.

  “Jonathan taught me that the sister is always supposed to be with the brother, that they are united. The bond there was more special than anything, more than mother and child, more than husband and wife. He convinced me that what we had was special – a unique connection ordained by God, Himself. He made it all make sense to me, made me believe it was right.”

  “Fuck me,” Grey whispered and leaned forward, placing his head in his hands.

  “Nothing bad happened then. Like I said, he’d sneak into my room at night and talk to me. We’d stay up for hours doing this, until I was so sleepy that Jonathan would hold me while I fell asleep, but he’d be gone by morning. My parents had no idea what was going on. He convinced me that I couldn’t tell them yet. I was so stupid. I believed every word he said.”

  “As you should have,” Grey agreed, his voice adamant. “You were a child that loved and worshipped her brother. He was older and wiser in your eyes. It was his fault for abusin’ that trust.”

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “It changed when I was eleven. Jonathan was sixteen at the time, so he was already almost grown…so much bigger than me. He told me it was time, and that I needed to prepare for him. I had no idea what this meant. None.” The images flashed behind my eyes. “He ordered me to undress for him…that he needed to see all of me. He said that God had told him that he needed to pray over me like that.

  “In my eyes, it started out innocent enough. He’d touch my skin, stroking it softly, as he prayed. Never once did the touching feel sexual, but I didn’t know about sex then. I was very innocent and too young to understand the wrongness of the situation.”

  Grey’s breathing picked up, like he was picturing it play out in his mind. He sat up suddenly and drained his glass, refilling it almost to the brim as I waited.

  “I would have done anything for Jonathan in those days, so the thought of telling him no left me scared of disappointing him. He was my big brother, my idol. How could I possibly tell him no? If I did, he wouldn’t love me anymore. He made sure I believed that, too.

  “This went on for a year. He was obsessed. Looking back, Jonathan was very calculating. He fully understood his actions and knew that if he moved too soon, I’d tell. He had to ease me into a comfortable physical relationship with him slowly, brainwashing me into truly trusting that what we were doing was right in the eyes of God.

  “It worked, too. I had no idea how horrible it was until my mother caught us. She couldn’t sleep one night, which never happened. Once Mom and Dad went to bed, they never came out of their room. She was going to get something to drink when she heard Jonathan talking to me. I’ll never forget the look on her face when she opened my door. She was horrified.

  “She started screaming at Jonathan. The noise woke my father, so he came running into the room almost immediately. I was hurrying to get my clothes on. I thought Dad was going to murder Jonathan. Mom carried me to her room and demanded that I tell her everything. I wouldn’t. I thought I was betraying Jonathan and God by telling, so I stayed quiet.

  “The next morning, Jonathan was gone…shipped off to boarding school.” I shook my head, still not able to grasp their reasoning. “They were cowards for not facing the issue head-on. They wanted to brush it under the rug, act like it never happened. That was the beginning of their downfall, though.”

  “Clara, you don’t have to tell me about your parents. Actually, I think I’ve gotten a pretty good understandin’ of what happened. I don’t wanna push you too hard.” Grey’s voice was compassionate, so soothing.

  “No, Grey. There’s so much more that you have to understand.” Now that it was pouring out of me, I felt like I had to tell him.

  “Okay, Clara. Go on.”

  “It was two weeks later that my mother killed my father and turned the gun on herself. I didn’t find out until five years later why. I blamed myself for a long time, because it happened so closely to them finding Jonathan and me like that. I thought it was somehow my fault. But I thought that what happened with Jonathan was God’s plan for my life, too…so how could that be true?

  “I overheard Galen telling you about what Jonathan told my mother.” Grey nodded. “He finally confessed that to me one night, years later. He told me how he called my mother and told her that he did those things to me only beca
use it’s what Dad did to him. In Mom’s mind everything was my father’s fault. I don’t know if she planned on killing herself or not. I’ll never know what happened or what was going through her mind. It’s crazy because she honestly loved my father. Both of them were so in love with one another.

  “After Jonathan called, she found Dad’s gun, walked up behind him, and pulled the trigger without him even knowing what happened. He was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking his morning coffee. She never gave him a chance to explain, to tell her it was all lies. I know it was lies. Jonathan gloated about it to me, saying how perfect it all played out.”

  Grey swore and ran his fingers through his hair. “I…I don’t know what to say.”

  I figured it was best to get the rest over with, and keep it to specifics. Grey was not faring well, and hell, neither was I. A bone-deep exhaustion was settling over me.

  “We had no other family, so Ava and Galen took us in. They didn’t want to see us go into the system, and they never had kids. Gaining custody of us was the best thing that happened to me, and I thank God for that.

  “Jonathan came back from boarding school, like he’d wanted, and we went to live with Galen and Ava immediately. Since we were in a new place, Jonathan had stopped his nightly visits. He’d still spend time with me, teaching me the Bible, but a part of me died with my parents. I wasn’t as susceptible to his doctrine, although I didn’t tell him that. He would have been livid.

  “My friends had deserted me because of my parents. I was in one of those stuck-up, high-priced private schools, where everyone that was anyone enrolled their kids. In a way, it was a very small community. I was the black sheep and didn’t have anyone at that point.”

  “At that age, it must have been tough,” Grey commented, his compassion pouring out of him.

  “It was. I was lonely. My parents were gone, and Jonathan was getting crazier and more fanatic with things he taught me. I might have been an outcast, but I was learning about sex from other kid’s whispered conversations. I started to really understand what he was meaning when he was referring to what God’s plan for me was.